[It takes some time, honestly, before Tsukasa ventures out from the dorms. It takes some time before Tsukasa feels like he even can--like he can breathe somewhat steadily.
He's not really going anywhere in particular, while at the same time trying to skirt any places where there are a lot of people.
For once, he's not feeling terribly social. He's still... processing, after all.
It feels like a bad idea not too long into his wanderings, near the library; he turns abruptly to try to go back to the dorm, and very nearly runs right into poor Dainsleif.]
[ Dainsleif in contrast has seen many...horrors, let us say, in his life. He isn't the type of man to be phased for long, but it is still kind of shocking to find out he was sleeping right next to a corpse of all things.
So, yeah, he took some time to brood down the hallways and all that, maybe doing other things, who knows, before choosing the library itself, hanging around it for some time.
Then, he sees Tsukasa nearly collide into him. Someone who probably isn't...used to all this. He feels dread, not only for the situation, but the innocents who are caught up in this now. ]
There's something very compelling about a simple and matter-of-fact command like that, so. Tsukasa obediently sits next to him, blinking slowly as he tries to get his thoughts in order.]
"My worries"...
... Aren't you worried as well? Someone was actually--killed.
Dainsleif doesn't think he isn't, but...well, he is used to seeing dead bodies, so isn't it different?
He isn't the Traveler, so he supposes it's only natural that it ends up like this. As he ponders those words a bit more (overthinker central), he finally comes up with a response. ]
...It's a little different, how a civilian takes in the situation as compared to an experienced combatant.
Whatever concerns I have, I feel it's easier for me to face it, as opposed to someone who likely is unused to seeing dead bodies. Or, rather, I assumed that was the case for you.
Even when I initially entered into service as a Knight, it wasn't uncommon to witness death or see a dead body at some point.
[ But, for someone who is more or less inclined not anywhere near a violent life, to expect not to see a dead body right before one's eyes...it should remain that way. Instead, that reality has unfolded painfully. ]
Still, whoever did this will be dealt with. I'm sure of it.
[ While he isn't completely certain, holding confidence should at least help reassure an ally...for little of that there is in a situation like this. ]
["Dealt with"... right. Caught, and then... punished, presumably. There's that whole... "trial" thing, even though that also doesn't sit right with Tsukasa.
But he doesn't really have the words for why.
Instead, he grimaces, staring down at his hands.]
If this is meant to be some sort of "performance"... then the audience should get something out of it. There should be some purpose behind it, some meaning.
The meaning is beyond me ad well, I feel that even the true motive is hidden by design.
At the expense of our own lives...and I doubt any single one of us will feel much satisfaction even when we find out who was responsible for killing here.
[ He has judgment for who acted, to be quite honest. But at the same time, he's not excited about the performance aspect, either. It's more troubling than anything. ]
It doubles as a distraction, and intently pulling us all into it. But, until we find a way to subvert that, should someone act...we will be expected to participate.
[He's certainly right about that... and it's reassuring to hear that Dainsleif also doesn't think it will be satisfying to find out who actually did it. To Tsukasa, it just sounds miserable.
Still... he grimaces at that, an arm looped around one knee.]
"Participate"... in this trial thing they're setting up. As if it really is some sort of performance.
[ Dainsleif knows it is unplatable to hear, but it is important nonetheless. ]
In the meanwhile, let's continue to do our best. Including, perhaps, maybe even seeing what can be done to avoid it again. Somehow, I feel even talking to others may be enough for some...but, I can't be certain.
[ Dainsleif goes quiet for a moment in deep consideration.
But, he won't coddle Tsukasa; just be honest. ]
I won't say no. Only that it is possible.
However, it is also up to us to do our part to be an example as those who do not give in. To make it clear we don't agree with what is happening. Perhaps by talking to others, continuing to refute our situation, and looking for ways out of it not by following this so-called Father's designs.
That may be the best preventive method available.
...It likely is little comfort; nonetheless, I don't believe our situation is impossible.
[Perhaps not a... huge comfort, but even so, he thinks... he'd rather hear it straight anyway. It's true. One person has died. Someone else might follow. They have to be ready for anything, and...]
We'll... prepare for the worst, while working hard to prevent it from happening! And to do that, we have to... address what the worst case scenario is.
[ Not many people are inclined towards hearing things as they are - so while it's difficult for either one of them to be in the situation they are, Dainsleif is glad that Tsukasa is at least receptive to the way he's...delivered matters. ]
Correct.
I believe it's a realistic method to address our situation, while keeping on to hope, no matter what misfortune comes our way.
Of course, I'm not expecting anyone to do this alone, which is why it has to be a multi-person effort.
[ Dainsleif is more of a loner type, honestly. But, at one point in time, he was surrounded with more, uh...trust-worthy people to coordinate things with. He can draw on that, he thinks. ]
[Naturally, it's something they all have to do together. For the first time, that's what lights a fire in Tsukasa, helps him shake off the gloom and dismay.
[ Dainsleif is...perhaps surprised. But, maybe he never anticipated he could light such a fire within the spirits of others. Though, it does bring back a certain core memory in his mind; something like that too settles him.
Of course it makes sense people wouldn't want to give up here. He hopes to see that resolve in others too; but he's glad to witness it now in Tsukasa. ]
I won't ask you to shoulder the burden of everyone. However, for those you have managed to get to know...if you see them down, shining a bright light for them will help.
And, if you feel tired yourself, look to the few who you trust, to uplift yourself again.
Lastly, when you need to act, act. Do not hesitate.
...Anything else I can think of, will likely come later. And, I will let you know at that time.
[ Dainsleif is terribly bad at placing his trust in people, but maybe he can give it a try once again. ]
[ Dainsleif watches that determination truly come alight...
Although he can't quite allow a smile on his face, the inner strength is actually rather incredible, feeling a bit familiar. He doesn't think he'll forget this. ]
...It is no trouble.
[ Yet, in a time like this, action will be needed. This inspires the blond moves to rise to his feet, and then turn his back to him. ]
In the meanwhile, I believe I should go ahead and assist with the investigation. Take as much time as you need to recharge, and allow yourself to be fueled by that resolve.
We will meet again, Tsukasa.
[ With that ... probably over-the-top parting, the blond will move to make a leave. ]
[It may be a little over-the-top, but it does speak to his little theater kid heart. Tsukasa beams at Dainsleif brilliantly, bolstered, eager to do his part.
(Eager to have something that isn't murder to think about.)]
Of course! Thank you very much, Dainsleif!
[He won't stop him from leaving, of course; Tsukasa just waves as he leaves, and has something to newly focus on.]
[It sure was a trial!! One that we can pretend Tsukasa was actually around for. As it is, he's... seated at the edge of one of the outdoor stages in the open garden area, staring down at his clasped hands.
[ Ah, well. Dainsleif will make a slightly closer approach so that they are within better speaking distance, and then cross his arms, as his wont to do as he talks at times. ]
I was trying to discern how you were faring following that. Although I feel the majority of it proceeded in logical courses...towards the end, it may have become heavy - no matter the individual.
...To be frank, I hadn't considered people's circumstances to that extent.
That it would mean we could have those who might wish to never return to their home.
[ Dainsleif has mixed feelings on that - Noelle will die without the missing memory she had in mind. What if it was different in the end than what she thought it was...? Even with everything leading up to it being so terrible.
Well, it matters little now. At this time, he takes a pause, causing a gaze at their surroundings, and then their shadows, before back at the other. ]
Actions and information may not be enough for those people, I suppose. But, what other choice do we have but to continue to look for a way out? Perhaps, in the end, we may have those who will oppose our decision to keep moving forward, for their own selfish reasons.
Though, I see little reason for us to give up hope because of that, either.
He'd told Dainsleif he would do everything he could to be a bright light for those people--he'd thought he'd been doing a good job of doing that for Noelle. But in the end, what did teaching her to dance even do, really?
She was smiling then, but from what she said in the trial, it seems like it only made her fear the future even more.
...]
No... of course not. We definitely can't give up.
[It's not an option. He's just... feeling a little disheartened at the moment.
There's a pause, and then Tsukasa frowns, lifting his chin suddenly. No, there's something more important than wallowing right now that he has to figure out.]
Dainsleif-san, can I ask you something? Does... the "Abyss" mean anything to you?
[ Yes, they will consistently need the reminder - day in and day out, no matter what happens to them, or the people around them. Though he doesn't see himself as an individual who will be the best reminder per say, he can be one for however long that lasts. ]
The Abyss does mean something to me, yes.
The source of forbidden knowledge - the power used by the Abyss Order to perpetuate its goals. I also know that it brought an end to my homeland, though...
[ ...There are, inevitably, some missing details from his memory regarding them. He looks down at his hands...he still doesn't know how he came to be like this - it's like the 'how' is missing as well, or perhaps it is the pivotal moment. But, how can he explain this, so suddenly...?
Hence why he trails off so suddenly, shaking his head, and then focusing back on the other male. ]
["Brought an end to his homeland"--how grim. How vast, and unimaginable for someone like Tsukasa.
He drags a slow breath in, expression pained. No wonder... the memory felt so terrible. It wasn't just that it was about siblings broken apart. It was about the loss of his entire home.]
It isn't exactly a term I'm familiar with. Or, well, I wasn't... before this place.
[But the details about Dainsleif's brother--it all fits, doesn't it? It took Tsukasa some time, because he's not that great at putting together the pieces, but even if he's still not completely sure, he's...
He presses a hand to his chest.]
If this is your memory... I want to make sure you can get it back as quickly as possible. Just... in case something happens.
[Just in case he's the next to be picked off, like Annette. It's a frightening thought, but... Annette was an easy target, right? He hates thinking about it that way, because she was so, so kind.
But he's not blind to the fact that he's an equally easy target, too.]
[ Dainsleif feels a collide of emotions, as it sinks in what Tsukasa is saying, with that memorable gesture he makes, hand on chest (even that is burned in his memory.) He barely realizes he has drawn breath so sharply, before releasing a shuddering sigh, allowing himself to feel. Conflicted, frustrated, and...somehow, relieved.
That it may be possible he can obtain what he lost. But, not only that—so can Tsukasa. And so, he brings his own hand to his chest. ]
If you have my memory, then it stands to reason that my foreign "memory" mentioning a bedridden sister, must concern...you.
It seems you had your own weight upon your shoulders, and judged yourself harshly.
[ For this, Dainsleif knows well the feeling of being like that, even if he hadn't expected it from Tsukasa.
He recalls the memory starkly. The "hospital", the way the sadness weighed on his soul. He recalls feeling it like it was his own - and easy enough even for someone like him. The "Twlight Sword" - more like a flicker in the darkness, than anything.
But, Tsukasa is different. He wishes he hadn't seen what must have been a doubtless harrowing memory. Ironically, there is a contrasting one - the one wherein he's glad that it is with Tsukasa, than someone who would have mishandled it. He still feels guilty for that. ]
...I would not wish a dark end upon you. I would argue even I am not guaranteed safety, even if I understand your concern. I would also gladly give your own memory to you as soon as possible, as well—so that we can both escape.
[ As, what, "whole"...like what Sika said...? It wasn't that long ago, but he did not get every single word down from every conversation. ]
[... Of course, it was about Saki. Tsukasa has so many memories of Saki that he couldn't quite place what was missing; he knew something wasn't quite right, but the what, specifically, was outside of his grasp.
Of course, it was about Saki's time in the hospital.
He grimaces a little at that--at the fact that what Dainsleif experienced through his memory must have seemed so small and inconsequential compared to what he himself had already been through, at the fact that anything could happen to either of them at any time and that's something they have to simply consider now--
But.
He's grateful, too, that it ended up being someone as reliable as Dainsleif.]
... Well! I would rather assume we will both make it out of here perfectly fine, of course! But...
[If something were to happen before Dainsleif got his memory back, Tsukasa doesn't know that he could forgive himself for hesitating.]
... Regardless! Er. I'm not entirely sure how this whole thing works.
[ Dainsleif does understand Tsukasa's worry at least, so they should find this out as soon as possible, right?
This is not the time for him to consider mentioning he never thought he'd narrow down whoever so happened to have his memory, so he may have put out of it his mind for awhile. But, they are here now, so...it's time to put their heads together to try to sus out something concrete. ]
Hmm...
...To be frank, I'm not entirely sure how, either.
Perhaps we can start a method that involves reciting the memories we experienced to one another? And then if that doesn't work, we can try writing it down - perhaps, to get a head start.
[ Honestly, if either works, then it's something.
If not, they can try something else out. Because he's already thinking a third option of suddenly 20 questions, round two, or something like that. ]
[ Dainsleif thinks that it can't hurt to take initiative, so that is what he does. ]
I will go ahead first. Bear in mind, I have no desire to spare any details, and it is for the best that I don't.
I recall you stepping out into the hospital room, taking the moment to stand there, right outside the doorway - smile falling away. There were regrets that stirred within your heart, from being unable to bring a smile to your sister’s face, and due to her condition, you thought she appeared fragile. I recall you ruminating over the sorrow in your heart for her - the pain and loneliness that I felt in my soul.
You knew, however, that your commute by “train” would take two hours, and school would greet you still, regardless of the current state of things.
You gathered yourself up, headed down the hospital’s hallway, those feelings still stirring within you. Heavy, but even so, you were committed to not showing an ounce of it. You felt constrained by your position in your family, as the eldest son, to always be smiling. To never show otherwise is your responsibility.
[ There is a pause here, as Dainsleif lists these things so clearly, because maybe he is mulling over it again. But, it probably isn't appropriate to start thinking of his elder brother in turn. Even if it is inevitable that he does, for a short moment.
After that, he finishes the rest, as he recalls the memory. ]
However, it weighed heavily on you still that you would come to repeat this all again, again, and again…each and every day after that.
He doesn't remember it, of course. Dainsleif detailing it doesn't make it magically reappear in his mind. He frowns a little to himself, though, because even without being able to remember it, it's...
Right. Of course. It feels like something he would do and feel.
(It feels a little pathetic, as far as memories go.)]
I... still don't remember it, exactly. But it... makes sense.
[A weak shrug.]
I'm sorry that you were stuck with a memory like that.
[ Dainsleif takes a moment on his end, wondering how he's taking this...but, he can guess. He knows he already doesn't like the idea of Tsukasa being burdened with his memory, and maybe, he feels the same way about his, judging by his words just now. ]
Your memory doesn't trouble me, if that's what you're concerned about. I would never fault you for it, either.
I even feel it's allowed me an opportunity to have more insight to you as a person. [ The Traveler is better at these friendship speeches, but we ball. ] Even though neither of us chose this, and would never wish for our painful memories to be given to other people, I understand that you have your own struggles you could not immediately shake off.
That, however, doesn't make you weak. It simply makes you human.
And the fact that you can do your best to move forward with pain in your heart is a testament to your strength - even if it means there are times you can't manage to make others or yourself smile. Don't ever forget that.
[Maybe it comes more naturally to the Traveler, but judging from the shocked expression on Tsukasa's face, Dainsleif is doing a great--if unexpected!--job.
... Moving forward despite the pain in his heart... right.
He smiles a little in response to that as the shock fades away, expression gently rueful.]
I've always thought that as well. That so long as I can keep moving forward, it will be fine.
[Even when things are hard, even when they hurt.]
And... Saki is doing so much better now! So there isn't any need to dwell on memories like that one.
[Of course, as for his own self-worth and how closely tied it is to what he's able to provide to others--
That's a conversation for another time.]
Ah, regardless! It doesn't seem to have returned the memory, but maybe we need to do a full exchange. Are you ready for me to share yours?
[ Dainsleif's expression turns considering as Tsukasa says these things - that he thought the very same. But, deep in his heart of hearts, he imagines that it feels wearisome to strive to have that sort of determination.
...he knows what that's like, first and foremost, to have it feel like despite everything, it wears you down.
So maybe that's why he isn't convinced that everything is all set and done just because 'Saki is alright'. But, he does offer what he believes would be the socially accepted response (for now): ]
...I am glad that your sister is doing far better now.
[ And leave it at that, planning to keep it in mind, potentially circle back. Although he is not the best for that, a vision comes back to mind, of a camp fire...however, it is time to move on for now. ]
I am ready for you to share the memory now. Feel free to take your time; there is no rush.
Tsukasa's expression softens measurably at that, shoulders slumping but in quiet gratitude and relief. The well wishes for his sister are sincere and earnest, and...]
I appreciate that. Truly.
[It means a lot to him. In many ways, his entire world revolves around her.
But then he takes a deep breath in, brow furrowing as he thinks back to the memory. Right. He needs to recount this... as properly and thoroughly as Dainsleif did his. It's only right and fair and proper.
Even if the memory itself is still frightening to think on too hard.
He closes his eyes.]
There were... monsters. These... horrible, twisted monsters, k-killing anyone in their path. It felt like... I--you?--were being tempted by something. By the Abyss. But, um... you refused.
And then... there was some sort of curse, and you saw a ring. A ring that... your older brother had been wearing. I still don't entirely understand, but it felt...
[He grimaces, hands clenching into fists at the vividness of the emotion.]
[ A part of Dainsleif regrets that Tsukasa is being made to recount such a horrid tale - even if it is his own. But, he knows that it might be necessary, so he simply holds his tongue, focusing his attention on the other.
He even watches for when his eyes close, and the young male begins to recount each portion with evident deep consideration. ]
...A ring.
I see.
And the sensation of being betrayed. Hmph, that would be in line with what I know concerning the activities of the Sinners of Khaenri'ah.
One of them is my brother.
[ There's a small pause in further thought. If he saw a ring his brother had been wearing and he has it now, evidently either his brother passed it on, or someone else. ]
Unfortunately, I haven't recalled all that you have spoken to me. But, I appreciate you forcing yourself to brave through a horrid memory.
...I didn't want that to be the case, though I knew we had no choice - at least, to give it a try.
[ ...Dainsleif thinks his memory is literally something probably out of nightmares itself (despite not having it returned to him at this very moment), and he has to think for a moment on how to respond to that. ]
Very well.
[ He has some doubts, but on the other matter... ]
...Our departure from this place depends on it, it's true, but I know it's a matter of inevitability, and I'm not worried. Therefore, there's no need to apologize.
[ Dainsleif actually briefly realizes that what he says is not really a guarantee, but it's a bit too slow. Maybe he actually just believes in it himself, so in the end, that is his truth, and he doesn't see a need to take it back.
He grants a nod. ]
Considering how things are, I understand why you'd be worried. We have no way of knowing what may happen at any given time, though I'm also not willing to tolerate none of us getting through this in tact.
[ Which is probably an impossible challenge, but in saying this, he simply does not care about the audacity. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
w1, post-body discovery
He's not really going anywhere in particular, while at the same time trying to skirt any places where there are a lot of people.
For once, he's not feeling terribly social. He's still... processing, after all.
It feels like a bad idea not too long into his wanderings, near the library; he turns abruptly to try to go back to the dorm, and very nearly runs right into poor Dainsleif.]
Ah--
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So, yeah, he took some time to brood down the hallways and all that, maybe doing other things, who knows, before choosing the library itself, hanging around it for some time.
Then, he sees Tsukasa nearly collide into him. Someone who probably isn't...used to all this. He feels dread, not only for the situation, but the innocents who are caught up in this now. ]
...Tsukasa.
I assume you know of what happened.
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He puts it so bluntly. Tsukasa drags a sharp breath in, startled, and then breathes it out shakily.]
I--ah... yes.
[He shudders despite himself, thinking of it again.]
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Dainsleif goes to gesture towards a spot so they can sit down for a moment, and will go ahead to seat himself on the floor regardless. ]
...Come and sit down.
Tell me your worries, obvious and otherwise, if you are so inclined.
[ Yeah he's not a good talker, by his own thoughts, but he's at least a good listener. ]
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There's something very compelling about a simple and matter-of-fact command like that, so. Tsukasa obediently sits next to him, blinking slowly as he tries to get his thoughts in order.]
"My worries"...
... Aren't you worried as well? Someone was actually--killed.
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Dainsleif doesn't think he isn't, but...well, he is used to seeing dead bodies, so isn't it different?
He isn't the Traveler, so he supposes it's only natural that it ends up like this. As he ponders those words a bit more (overthinker central), he finally comes up with a response. ]
...It's a little different, how a civilian takes in the situation as compared to an experienced combatant.
Whatever concerns I have, I feel it's easier for me to face it, as opposed to someone who likely is unused to seeing dead bodies. Or, rather, I assumed that was the case for you.
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But... when Dainsleif speaks, it's kindly.]
... Yes, that... is true. I, er. I've never seen--
[...]
I thought I would never see a dead body.
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Even when I initially entered into service as a Knight, it wasn't uncommon to witness death or see a dead body at some point.
[ But, for someone who is more or less inclined not anywhere near a violent life, to expect not to see a dead body right before one's eyes...it should remain that way. Instead, that reality has unfolded painfully. ]
Still, whoever did this will be dealt with. I'm sure of it.
[ While he isn't completely certain, holding confidence should at least help reassure an ally...for little of that there is in a situation like this. ]
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But he doesn't really have the words for why.
Instead, he grimaces, staring down at his hands.]
If this is meant to be some sort of "performance"... then the audience should get something out of it. There should be some purpose behind it, some meaning.
... I just can't see what that is here.
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At the expense of our own lives...and I doubt any single one of us will feel much satisfaction even when we find out who was responsible for killing here.
[ He has judgment for who acted, to be quite honest. But at the same time, he's not excited about the performance aspect, either. It's more troubling than anything. ]
It doubles as a distraction, and intently pulling us all into it. But, until we find a way to subvert that, should someone act...we will be expected to participate.
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Still... he grimaces at that, an arm looped around one knee.]
"Participate"... in this trial thing they're setting up. As if it really is some sort of performance.
... I guess we don't have a choice, but...
[He really doesn't want to.]
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[ Dainsleif knows it is unplatable to hear, but it is important nonetheless. ]
In the meanwhile, let's continue to do our best. Including, perhaps, maybe even seeing what can be done to avoid it again. Somehow, I feel even talking to others may be enough for some...but, I can't be certain.
Only that this must not continue repeatedly.
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[He straightens at that, eyes wide.]
You think someone else would also--kill someone?!
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But, he won't coddle Tsukasa; just be honest. ]
I won't say no. Only that it is possible.
However, it is also up to us to do our part to be an example as those who do not give in. To make it clear we don't agree with what is happening. Perhaps by talking to others, continuing to refute our situation, and looking for ways out of it not by following this so-called Father's designs.
That may be the best preventive method available.
...It likely is little comfort; nonetheless, I don't believe our situation is impossible.
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[Perhaps not a... huge comfort, but even so, he thinks... he'd rather hear it straight anyway. It's true. One person has died. Someone else might follow. They have to be ready for anything, and...]
We'll... prepare for the worst, while working hard to prevent it from happening! And to do that, we have to... address what the worst case scenario is.
[Right?]
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Correct.
I believe it's a realistic method to address our situation, while keeping on to hope, no matter what misfortune comes our way.
Of course, I'm not expecting anyone to do this alone, which is why it has to be a multi-person effort.
[ Dainsleif is more of a loner type, honestly. But, at one point in time, he was surrounded with more, uh...trust-worthy people to coordinate things with. He can draw on that, he thinks. ]
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[Naturally, it's something they all have to do together. For the first time, that's what lights a fire in Tsukasa, helps him shake off the gloom and dismay.
He clenches a hand into a fist.]
What can I do to help?
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Of course it makes sense people wouldn't want to give up here. He hopes to see that resolve in others too; but he's glad to witness it now in Tsukasa. ]
I won't ask you to shoulder the burden of everyone. However, for those you have managed to get to know...if you see them down, shining a bright light for them will help.
And, if you feel tired yourself, look to the few who you trust, to uplift yourself again.
Lastly, when you need to act, act. Do not hesitate.
...Anything else I can think of, will likely come later. And, I will let you know at that time.
[ Dainsleif is terribly bad at placing his trust in people, but maybe he can give it a try once again. ]
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After all, it's part of his dream, too. If he can repurpose that dream to help here, too...
At least he won't just be dead weight here.
So he straightens further, chin lifting as he grows all the more determined. Having something "tangible" he can do... it helps.]
Right...! I will do my best, then! [At least he rebounds like a rubber band.] Thank you very much for your guidance!
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Although he can't quite allow a smile on his face, the inner strength is actually rather incredible, feeling a bit familiar. He doesn't think he'll forget this. ]
...It is no trouble.
[ Yet, in a time like this, action will be needed. This inspires the blond moves to rise to his feet, and then turn his back to him. ]
In the meanwhile, I believe I should go ahead and assist with the investigation. Take as much time as you need to recharge, and allow yourself to be fueled by that resolve.
We will meet again, Tsukasa.
[ With that ... probably over-the-top parting, the blond will move to make a leave. ]
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(Eager to have something that isn't murder to think about.)]
Of course! Thank you very much, Dainsleif!
[He won't stop him from leaving, of course; Tsukasa just waves as he leaves, and has something to newly focus on.]
week 2, post-trial
So! After going to his usual place (library) and then to the second, the rose garden...he happens to find the young male there. ]
There you are.
It was a long, difficult trial. Are you up to a chat?
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He looks up at Dainsleif's approach, but slowly.]
Oh... Dainsleif-san. Yes, of course. What is it?
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I was trying to discern how you were faring following that. Although I feel the majority of it proceeded in logical courses...towards the end, it may have become heavy - no matter the individual.
[ Straight to the point. ]
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[Tsukasa appreciates that he's straight to the point, at least. It's easier to know exactly where this conversation is going right away.
Because he's exhausted. Just like he's sure everyone is.]
I just...
[...]
... What are we going to do? The longer we stay here, the more people are driven to...
[What just happened.]
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That it would mean we could have those who might wish to never return to their home.
[ Dainsleif has mixed feelings on that - Noelle will die without the missing memory she had in mind. What if it was different in the end than what she thought it was...? Even with everything leading up to it being so terrible.
Well, it matters little now. At this time, he takes a pause, causing a gaze at their surroundings, and then their shadows, before back at the other. ]
Actions and information may not be enough for those people, I suppose. But, what other choice do we have but to continue to look for a way out? Perhaps, in the end, we may have those who will oppose our decision to keep moving forward, for their own selfish reasons.
Though, I see little reason for us to give up hope because of that, either.
[ And if they fail, he'd rather die trying. ]
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People without hope for the future.
He'd told Dainsleif he would do everything he could to be a bright light for those people--he'd thought he'd been doing a good job of doing that for Noelle. But in the end, what did teaching her to dance even do, really?
She was smiling then, but from what she said in the trial, it seems like it only made her fear the future even more.
...]
No... of course not. We definitely can't give up.
[It's not an option. He's just... feeling a little disheartened at the moment.
There's a pause, and then Tsukasa frowns, lifting his chin suddenly. No, there's something more important than wallowing right now that he has to figure out.]
Dainsleif-san, can I ask you something? Does... the "Abyss" mean anything to you?
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The Abyss does mean something to me, yes.
The source of forbidden knowledge - the power used by the Abyss Order to perpetuate its goals. I also know that it brought an end to my homeland, though...
[ ...There are, inevitably, some missing details from his memory regarding them. He looks down at his hands...he still doesn't know how he came to be like this - it's like the 'how' is missing as well, or perhaps it is the pivotal moment. But, how can he explain this, so suddenly...?
Hence why he trails off so suddenly, shaking his head, and then focusing back on the other male. ]
Nevermind...why do you ask?
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He drags a slow breath in, expression pained. No wonder... the memory felt so terrible. It wasn't just that it was about siblings broken apart. It was about the loss of his entire home.]
It isn't exactly a term I'm familiar with. Or, well, I wasn't... before this place.
[But the details about Dainsleif's brother--it all fits, doesn't it? It took Tsukasa some time, because he's not that great at putting together the pieces, but even if he's still not completely sure, he's...
He presses a hand to his chest.]
If this is your memory... I want to make sure you can get it back as quickly as possible. Just... in case something happens.
[Just in case he's the next to be picked off, like Annette. It's a frightening thought, but... Annette was an easy target, right? He hates thinking about it that way, because she was so, so kind.
But he's not blind to the fact that he's an equally easy target, too.]
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That it may be possible he can obtain what he lost. But, not only that—so can Tsukasa. And so, he brings his own hand to his chest. ]
If you have my memory, then it stands to reason that my foreign "memory" mentioning a bedridden sister, must concern...you.
It seems you had your own weight upon your shoulders, and judged yourself harshly.
[ For this, Dainsleif knows well the feeling of being like that, even if he hadn't expected it from Tsukasa.
He recalls the memory starkly. The "hospital", the way the sadness weighed on his soul. He recalls feeling it like it was his own - and easy enough even for someone like him. The "Twlight Sword" - more like a flicker in the darkness, than anything.
But, Tsukasa is different. He wishes he hadn't seen what must have been a doubtless harrowing memory. Ironically, there is a contrasting one - the one wherein he's glad that it is with Tsukasa, than someone who would have mishandled it. He still feels guilty for that. ]
...I would not wish a dark end upon you. I would argue even I am not guaranteed safety, even if I understand your concern. I would also gladly give your own memory to you as soon as possible, as well—so that we can both escape.
[ As, what, "whole"...like what Sika said...? It wasn't that long ago, but he did not get every single word down from every conversation. ]
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Of course, it was about Saki's time in the hospital.
He grimaces a little at that--at the fact that what Dainsleif experienced through his memory must have seemed so small and inconsequential compared to what he himself had already been through, at the fact that anything could happen to either of them at any time and that's something they have to simply consider now--
But.
He's grateful, too, that it ended up being someone as reliable as Dainsleif.]
... Well! I would rather assume we will both make it out of here perfectly fine, of course! But...
[If something were to happen before Dainsleif got his memory back, Tsukasa doesn't know that he could forgive himself for hesitating.]
... Regardless! Er. I'm not entirely sure how this whole thing works.
[How does one even give back a memory...]
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This is not the time for him to consider mentioning he never thought he'd narrow down whoever so happened to have his memory, so he may have put out of it his mind for awhile. But, they are here now, so...it's time to put their heads together to try to sus out something concrete. ]
Hmm...
...To be frank, I'm not entirely sure how, either.
Perhaps we can start a method that involves reciting the memories we experienced to one another? And then if that doesn't work, we can try writing it down - perhaps, to get a head start.
[ Honestly, if either works, then it's something.
If not, they can try something else out. Because he's already thinking a third option of suddenly 20 questions, round two, or something like that. ]
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[Tsukasa is easy to distract, at least; he perks up at having a path forward, whether it's the correct one or not.]
Should I begin, or would you like to go first?
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I will go ahead first. Bear in mind, I have no desire to spare any details, and it is for the best that I don't.
I recall you stepping out into the hospital room, taking the moment to stand there, right outside the doorway - smile falling away. There were regrets that stirred within your heart, from being unable to bring a smile to your sister’s face, and due to her condition, you thought she appeared fragile. I recall you ruminating over the sorrow in your heart for her - the pain and loneliness that I felt in my soul.
You knew, however, that your commute by “train” would take two hours, and school would greet you still, regardless of the current state of things.
You gathered yourself up, headed down the hospital’s hallway, those feelings still stirring within you. Heavy, but even so, you were committed to not showing an ounce of it. You felt constrained by your position in your family, as the eldest son, to always be smiling. To never show otherwise is your responsibility.
[ There is a pause here, as Dainsleif lists these things so clearly, because maybe he is mulling over it again. But, it probably isn't appropriate to start thinking of his elder brother in turn. Even if it is inevitable that he does, for a short moment.
After that, he finishes the rest, as he recalls the memory. ]
However, it weighed heavily on you still that you would come to repeat this all again, again, and again…each and every day after that.
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He doesn't remember it, of course. Dainsleif detailing it doesn't make it magically reappear in his mind. He frowns a little to himself, though, because even without being able to remember it, it's...
Right. Of course. It feels like something he would do and feel.
(It feels a little pathetic, as far as memories go.)]
I... still don't remember it, exactly. But it... makes sense.
[A weak shrug.]
I'm sorry that you were stuck with a memory like that.
[It must be... annoying to have, he thinks.]
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Your memory doesn't trouble me, if that's what you're concerned about. I would never fault you for it, either.
I even feel it's allowed me an opportunity to have more insight to you as a person. [ The Traveler is better at these friendship speeches, but we ball. ] Even though neither of us chose this, and would never wish for our painful memories to be given to other people, I understand that you have your own struggles you could not immediately shake off.
That, however, doesn't make you weak. It simply makes you human.
And the fact that you can do your best to move forward with pain in your heart is a testament to your strength - even if it means there are times you can't manage to make others or yourself smile. Don't ever forget that.
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... Moving forward despite the pain in his heart... right.
He smiles a little in response to that as the shock fades away, expression gently rueful.]
I've always thought that as well. That so long as I can keep moving forward, it will be fine.
[Even when things are hard, even when they hurt.]
And... Saki is doing so much better now! So there isn't any need to dwell on memories like that one.
[Of course, as for his own self-worth and how closely tied it is to what he's able to provide to others--
That's a conversation for another time.]
Ah, regardless! It doesn't seem to have returned the memory, but maybe we need to do a full exchange. Are you ready for me to share yours?
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...he knows what that's like, first and foremost, to have it feel like despite everything, it wears you down.
So maybe that's why he isn't convinced that everything is all set and done just because 'Saki is alright'. But, he does offer what he believes would be the socially accepted response (for now): ]
...I am glad that your sister is doing far better now.
[ And leave it at that, planning to keep it in mind, potentially circle back. Although he is not the best for that, a vision comes back to mind, of a camp fire...however, it is time to move on for now. ]
I am ready for you to share the memory now. Feel free to take your time; there is no rush.
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Tsukasa's expression softens measurably at that, shoulders slumping but in quiet gratitude and relief. The well wishes for his sister are sincere and earnest, and...]
I appreciate that. Truly.
[It means a lot to him. In many ways, his entire world revolves around her.
But then he takes a deep breath in, brow furrowing as he thinks back to the memory. Right. He needs to recount this... as properly and thoroughly as Dainsleif did his. It's only right and fair and proper.
Even if the memory itself is still frightening to think on too hard.
He closes his eyes.]
There were... monsters. These... horrible, twisted monsters, k-killing anyone in their path. It felt like... I--you?--were being tempted by something. By the Abyss. But, um... you refused.
And then... there was some sort of curse, and you saw a ring. A ring that... your older brother had been wearing. I still don't entirely understand, but it felt...
[He grimaces, hands clenching into fists at the vividness of the emotion.]
... it felt like you'd been betrayed.
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He even watches for when his eyes close, and the young male begins to recount each portion with evident deep consideration. ]
...A ring.
I see.
And the sensation of being betrayed. Hmph, that would be in line with what I know concerning the activities of the Sinners of Khaenri'ah.
One of them is my brother.
[ There's a small pause in further thought. If he saw a ring his brother had been wearing and he has it now, evidently either his brother passed it on, or someone else. ]
Unfortunately, I haven't recalled all that you have spoken to me. But, I appreciate you forcing yourself to brave through a horrid memory.
...I didn't want that to be the case, though I knew we had no choice - at least, to give it a try.
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[It is a harrowing memory, it's true, but he's had two weeks to come to terms with it.]
Aaah, I really was hoping that would work, though! I'm sorry... I was hoping to return your memory to you properly.
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Very well.
[ He has some doubts, but on the other matter... ]
...Our departure from this place depends on it, it's true, but I know it's a matter of inevitability, and I'm not worried. Therefore, there's no need to apologize.
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[He relaxes a little at that, managing a weak smile.]
That's a relief to hear. I was worried what would happen if I couldn't get it to you in time.
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He grants a nod. ]
Considering how things are, I understand why you'd be worried. We have no way of knowing what may happen at any given time, though I'm also not willing to tolerate none of us getting through this in tact.
[ Which is probably an impossible challenge, but in saying this, he simply does not care about the audacity. ]
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I see... I see! In that case... I'll believe in that, I think. Rather... you've made it easy to believe in that.
So thank you, Dainsleif-san.
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[ If he sounds a little happy about that - which is just a tone of approval - that is not just the imagination. ]
I would say that there is no need for thanks, but I already know you are considerate in your gratitude.
[ Then, he turns his back to Tsukasa. ]
I will be heading along now. Try to rest well.
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[He does sound a little happy, doesn't it...? Not quite a smile yet, but it's still a victory Tsukasa will take.
He smiles in response, of course.]
You as well, Dainsleif-san!
[And so, off they both go, for now.]