Tsukasa gets it, though. He's clinging to the memories of putting on that brief scene with Noelle on stage, of dancing with her, with all of his strength.
It's... unnerving that it feels like, given enough time, that won't be enough.]
... It seems like she didn't want anyone else to know any of that about her. I wonder if... she was enjoying acting like a normal girl for a little while.
But I still should have done… something. Maybe I could have. And then I wouldn’t need to feel…
[His fists clench at his sides, and then-]
I should say it before I even begin to forget her. But after the trial yesterday, and all that she had said, I spoke with Noelle in the greenhouse. She…
[Is he alright? Is he…? He feels like some part has been hollowed out of him, and not only because a piece of himself had been tossed into that furnace along with Noelle’s corpse.]
I don’t know. I don’t-
[He feels. Awful. P glances back at Noelle’s grave.]
This is what… Father must have wanted me to feel. What it is to be empty — this kind of grief. How he felt, to lose his real son.
[A waver of pain in that, too. The piece of himself that was missing… the reveal of that, as well, was rather badly timed.]
[... Oh. Oh no. He's... clearly struggling so much, in ways Tsukasa isn't entirely sure he understands. But he's going through so much, and Tsukasa turns to face him, and he doesn't really hesitate.
He's just going to try to tug Pinocchio into a hug.]
I'm sorry. I'm sorry... that it hurts so much. That you've been put through so much at home, and now here as well, when you've done nothing wrong.
[Pinocchio isn’t entirely sure how to deal with how he feels, either. Between the details of that lost piece of himself, and now a strange connection with Noelle now put in the ground, his heart feels like a storm.
Tsukasa pulls him into a hug and he doesn’t resist it. He just leans forward into it, resting his forehead on his shoulder. A shuddering breath.]
I feel like I’ve lost two people at once. Even though… I didn’t really know Noelle. And even though I still don’t remember-
[... He can't imagine what it must feel like. Not only to lose someone, but to lose so much in quick succession, all without being braced for it at all...
... Something happened to Pinocchio's father.
And they all saw what happened to Noelle, and who knows what that means for Pinocchio's memory on top of everything else--]
... It doesn't have to make sense.
[He keeps both arms looped tightly around Pinocchio, a hand coming up to rest gently at the back of his head. The same way he'd hold Toya after a fierce argument with his father. The same way he'd hold Saki when she was afraid of going back to the hospital.]
Those are your feelings. That's what matters. And... it's okay to feel them.
[A puppet shouldn't cry—can't cry—and Pinocchio is the first to ever manage it. Perhaps that speaks all the more to how human he is, but sometimes, during the worst of it, it almost doesn't feel worth it.
He feels the warmth of tears beginning to flow, even if he tries to keep his chest steady while his eyes squeeze shut.]
What am I supposed to do now, Tsukasa? [He knows that time will keep flowing, the days will march on, uncaring of anyone's grief. That is how life is; even P knows this. But it's hard when his heart feels this way right now.] It feels like a hole in my heart.
Tsukasa is quiet for a moment, holding Pinocchio close. And then, he drags a deep breath in.]
Now... you do what you need to do to keep moving forward. I believe... there will still be a chance to get your memory back! And to give Noelle hers back as well.
[It's important.
Even if so much has happened... even if it seems impossible...]
[He doesn't reply at first. Again, logically, he knows that is the only path forward — to go forward. And maybe there will be a way to give Noelle's memory back, and to slot his back into his proper place as well.
But...
He gutters out a breath again.]
Every part of me is important. The good and bad memories. I know this. But the one Noelle had was... terrible. A part of me, selfishly, almost doesn't want it back. Even though I know I need it.
[And this conflict within himself is almost dizzying. He's always wanted to make himself more, more, more. More human, more emotional, more understanding. This is the first time he's ever felt like depriving himself on purpose.]
That is quite the tangle, but there is something Tsukasa has to correct, first, before they can keep going. Perhaps it's because he's talked with Pinocchio about his father wanting him to become more human through tragedy. Perhaps he can finally read it on his face.
But he frowns, pulls back enough to look Pinocchio in the eyes, hands on his shoulders, firm and warm.]
You know that that's human too, right?
[By avoiding this... by being afraid of it...]
Humans avoid pain too. Sometimes, they just want to forget, or not remember something painful.
Right now, the way you're acting and feeling... it's normal.
[He's still learning so much. He hasn't even been "alive" for that long, and every experience has been new and one that he's happily etched into mind and spirit, because it has made him a person over time. Even when those around him had died, there was sorrow in it — but he accepted it, because that was just how the world worked. That was the reality of Krat, a city fallen into ruin.
But now that this loss has skewed so, so much more personal, he finds he doesn't want it. Wants to turn away from it. What child can accept, after all, that their parent might not have truly loved them as they were?
Tsukasa says it's normal, and maybe that's true. But it still feels terrible. He meets his gaze, sets his jaw. Lets the tears roll down his cheek, silently.]
Father died, and I don't know if it's because he was protecting me or my heart.
[Maybe if he says it aloud, it will be easier to accept into his soul. He knows Tsukasa will listen to him.]
[Tsukasa meets his eyes, watches the tears streak down his face for a moment, and then reaches out for both of Pinocchio's hands in his own, to gently start to tug him away from the graves.]
Yes, of course. I'm happy to listen to anything you want to get off your chest.
[He'll tug Pinocchio towards a bench where they can both sit.]
Count on me.
[He's happy to help Pinocchio bear any of his burdens.]
[He's tugged away, led with ease. Barely aware of where Tsukasa is bringing them until they reach the bench. After that, he sinks into a sit, though his free hand—one still holds onto Tsukasa's if he allows it—rubs at the tears running down his face.
He takes a breath, steeling himself, then speaks.]
I told you my heart holds the soul of my father's previous son. According to what Noelle told me, he wanted to take it back. Insert it into a new body, probably to... make another Carlo. A proper Carlo.
[Because for all the similarities they share, P is still his own person. And that probably was not good enough.]
But if I gave up my own heart, I'd die. I didn't want to do that.
[There's more to the tale, but he lets that sink in first.]
[Of course, he'll gladly hold Pinocchio's hand in his own. His brow is furrowed in concern, and that expression only grows all the tighter as Pinocchio continues to speak.
... He wanted to take it back.
What kind of family--what kind of a father--]
Of... of course you didn't! Regardless of everything else, it is your heart!
[It doesn't belong to anyone but Pinocchio, regardless of the soul in it.]
[He doesn't have the memory back, of course, but he can envision it so clearly in his mind. In retrospect, it does not surprise him that his father would ask for such a thing from him, and that, too, hurts in its own way.]
Anyway, I guess my father didn't like my refusing him. He attacked me with the other puppet, the one he was going to insert my heart into. It must've been a difficult fight. I imagine he put all of his love and care into a puppet form that was meant for Carlo...
[Trailing off, silent again, before continuing.]
So difficult that I might've lost that battle. Noelle said that I was about to get stabbed through the heart—the very thing we were fighting over—and to prevent that, my... father, he jumped in between us when he saw it was going to happen.
In the end... Pinocchio's father paid for his own sins, in a way. It's horrifying. He put Pinocchio through so much, and all because... Tsukasa can't help but think he must have just been a lost, grieving old man.
...
He drags a shaky breath in, and squeezes Pinocchio's hand in his own.]
I'm sorry... you should never have had to go through that.
[...]
... But your father realizes it too, then. That your heart is your own... and he wanted you to be able to live your life.
[Not have it cut short by his own selfish machinations.]
[He wishes it were that — no, in fact, he wishes he were certain it was.]
Do you think so...?
[Noelle had said that he wondered what the true motivations behind those actions were. And now, of course his mind ambles in that same, uncertain direction.]
Was it that? Or did he just want to save the heart itself from being destroyed? The true death of Carlo. I'm not so sure he did it out of anything like love.
[...There is no way of knowing, is there? And it's the uncertainty that makes it the worst. Would it be better just to know for sure, even if it wasn't the truth he'd prefer?]
Maybe so. Maybe it'd be better to tell myself that, even if it ends up being a lie.
[Wouldn't that be an irony?]
I'd like to think that at some point, he really did love me.
[He shouldn't need outside validation for this. He's still learning so much, yes, but he knows that ultimately he doesn't need someone to tell him "yes, your father definitely loved you" to make it true in his own head and heart.
But all the same. There is a relief—or maybe just a balm against the hard edges of this new truth—that eases the pain, shuddering through his body.]
Thank you... Tsukasa. [UGH HE'S GONNA CRY AGAIN but he squeezes his eyes shut and once again wipes away at his face with his free hand.] It helps to hear you say that.
I think I just need... time to process it. [Huffs, a little dry.] Again, anyway.
[There's nothing wrong with crying over this, he can't help but think--but Pinocchio is already dealing with plenty, so Tsukasa lets that pass and pretends he doesn't see.
Instead, he smiles, pained but sincere.]
Take the time that you need to. Regardless of the circumstances, you deserve the space to grieve.
[Tsukasa's so kind-hearted... He really doesn't deserve to be in a situation like this one, he thinks, so still willing to lend a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on when he must feel so in over his head.]
Mm. It'll be easier once we're out of this awful place.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Tsukasa gets it, though. He's clinging to the memories of putting on that brief scene with Noelle on stage, of dancing with her, with all of his strength.
It's... unnerving that it feels like, given enough time, that won't be enough.]
... It seems like she didn't want anyone else to know any of that about her. I wonder if... she was enjoying acting like a normal girl for a little while.
no subject
[His fists clench at his sides, and then-]
I should say it before I even begin to forget her. But after the trial yesterday, and all that she had said, I spoke with Noelle in the greenhouse. She…
[ … ]
We learnt that we held each other’s secrets.
no subject
Oh.
Oh.
For a moment, Tsukasa just stares at him, lips parted, eyes wide.]
She...
[...]
So you found out... then. [Oh. That... couldn't be worse timing.]
Pinocchio, are you... are you alright? [Feel... what?]
no subject
I don’t know. I don’t-
[He feels. Awful. P glances back at Noelle’s grave.]
This is what… Father must have wanted me to feel. What it is to be empty — this kind of grief. How he felt, to lose his real son.
[A waver of pain in that, too. The piece of himself that was missing… the reveal of that, as well, was rather badly timed.]
It hurts.
no subject
He's just going to try to tug Pinocchio into a hug.]
I'm sorry. I'm sorry... that it hurts so much. That you've been put through so much at home, and now here as well, when you've done nothing wrong.
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Tsukasa pulls him into a hug and he doesn’t resist it. He just leans forward into it, resting his forehead on his shoulder. A shuddering breath.]
I feel like I’ve lost two people at once. Even though… I didn’t really know Noelle. And even though I still don’t remember-
[Oh, the ache.]
-losing my father, either.
no subject
... Something happened to Pinocchio's father.
And they all saw what happened to Noelle, and who knows what that means for Pinocchio's memory on top of everything else--]
... It doesn't have to make sense.
[He keeps both arms looped tightly around Pinocchio, a hand coming up to rest gently at the back of his head. The same way he'd hold Toya after a fierce argument with his father. The same way he'd hold Saki when she was afraid of going back to the hospital.]
Those are your feelings. That's what matters. And... it's okay to feel them.
no subject
He feels the warmth of tears beginning to flow, even if he tries to keep his chest steady while his eyes squeeze shut.]
What am I supposed to do now, Tsukasa? [He knows that time will keep flowing, the days will march on, uncaring of anyone's grief. That is how life is; even P knows this. But it's hard when his heart feels this way right now.] It feels like a hole in my heart.
no subject
It's a good question.
Tsukasa is quiet for a moment, holding Pinocchio close. And then, he drags a deep breath in.]
Now... you do what you need to do to keep moving forward. I believe... there will still be a chance to get your memory back! And to give Noelle hers back as well.
[It's important.
Even if so much has happened... even if it seems impossible...]
Pinocchio, try to believe in it as well.
no subject
But...
He gutters out a breath again.]
Every part of me is important. The good and bad memories. I know this. But the one Noelle had was... terrible. A part of me, selfishly, almost doesn't want it back. Even though I know I need it.
[And this conflict within himself is almost dizzying. He's always wanted to make himself more, more, more. More human, more emotional, more understanding. This is the first time he's ever felt like depriving himself on purpose.]
no subject
Well.
That is quite the tangle, but there is something Tsukasa has to correct, first, before they can keep going. Perhaps it's because he's talked with Pinocchio about his father wanting him to become more human through tragedy. Perhaps he can finally read it on his face.
But he frowns, pulls back enough to look Pinocchio in the eyes, hands on his shoulders, firm and warm.]
You know that that's human too, right?
[By avoiding this... by being afraid of it...]
Humans avoid pain too. Sometimes, they just want to forget, or not remember something painful.
Right now, the way you're acting and feeling... it's normal.
no subject
But now that this loss has skewed so, so much more personal, he finds he doesn't want it. Wants to turn away from it. What child can accept, after all, that their parent might not have truly loved them as they were?
Tsukasa says it's normal, and maybe that's true. But it still feels terrible. He meets his gaze, sets his jaw. Lets the tears roll down his cheek, silently.]
Father died, and I don't know if it's because he was protecting me or my heart.
[Maybe if he says it aloud, it will be easier to accept into his soul. He knows Tsukasa will listen to him.]
Will you listen to the... details, if I tell you?
no subject
Yes, of course. I'm happy to listen to anything you want to get off your chest.
[He'll tug Pinocchio towards a bench where they can both sit.]
Count on me.
[He's happy to help Pinocchio bear any of his burdens.]
no subject
He takes a breath, steeling himself, then speaks.]
I told you my heart holds the soul of my father's previous son. According to what Noelle told me, he wanted to take it back. Insert it into a new body, probably to... make another Carlo. A proper Carlo.
[Because for all the similarities they share, P is still his own person. And that probably was not good enough.]
But if I gave up my own heart, I'd die. I didn't want to do that.
[There's more to the tale, but he lets that sink in first.]
no subject
... He wanted to take it back.
What kind of family--what kind of a father--]
Of... of course you didn't! Regardless of everything else, it is your heart!
[It doesn't belong to anyone but Pinocchio, regardless of the soul in it.]
no subject
I... I would think so, too, even now.
[He doesn't have the memory back, of course, but he can envision it so clearly in his mind. In retrospect, it does not surprise him that his father would ask for such a thing from him, and that, too, hurts in its own way.]
Anyway, I guess my father didn't like my refusing him. He attacked me with the other puppet, the one he was going to insert my heart into. It must've been a difficult fight. I imagine he put all of his love and care into a puppet form that was meant for Carlo...
[Trailing off, silent again, before continuing.]
So difficult that I might've lost that battle. Noelle said that I was about to get stabbed through the heart—the very thing we were fighting over—and to prevent that, my... father, he jumped in between us when he saw it was going to happen.
no subject
In the end... Pinocchio's father paid for his own sins, in a way. It's horrifying. He put Pinocchio through so much, and all because... Tsukasa can't help but think he must have just been a lost, grieving old man.
...
He drags a shaky breath in, and squeezes Pinocchio's hand in his own.]
I'm sorry... you should never have had to go through that.
[...]
... But your father realizes it too, then. That your heart is your own... and he wanted you to be able to live your life.
[Not have it cut short by his own selfish machinations.]
no subject
Do you think so...?
[Noelle had said that he wondered what the true motivations behind those actions were. And now, of course his mind ambles in that same, uncertain direction.]
Was it that? Or did he just want to save the heart itself from being destroyed? The true death of Carlo. I'm not so sure he did it out of anything like love.
no subject
... There's no way of really knowing, I think. You'll have to decide for yourself what it meant.
But... to throw himself in front of you like that...
I just can't believe it was only for your heart and nothing else. It... was you, after all. You were the one about to be...
[Killed.]
no subject
Maybe so. Maybe it'd be better to tell myself that, even if it ends up being a lie.
[Wouldn't that be an irony?]
I'd like to think that at some point, he really did love me.
no subject
[Tsukasa squeezes his hand again, lifting his chin.]
You knew him better than anyone. You're the one who's allowed to decide if that is true or not.
But... I believe it must be.
[Perhaps a twisted love in some ways... but Tsukasa believes the love was there nonetheless.]
no subject
But all the same. There is a relief—or maybe just a balm against the hard edges of this new truth—that eases the pain, shuddering through his body.]
Thank you... Tsukasa. [UGH HE'S GONNA CRY AGAIN but he squeezes his eyes shut and once again wipes away at his face with his free hand.] It helps to hear you say that.
I think I just need... time to process it. [Huffs, a little dry.] Again, anyway.
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Instead, he smiles, pained but sincere.]
Take the time that you need to. Regardless of the circumstances, you deserve the space to grieve.
no subject
Mm. It'll be easier once we're out of this awful place.
no subject
[When things keep happening here, it's so hard to find their footing.]
And Pinocchio... the offer is open to you always. To come with me. I'm not sure how yet! But there must be a way.
And if you ever need time to rest and recover, my home will be open to you.