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[aspirings]

hi hit me with anything

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[aspirings]

[She looks at him. He can only meet her eyes for a moment before his expression crumples and he looks away. The misery lingers in his feelings as he fiddles with one of his sleeves, now that he's changed back into his usual clothing.]

... I don't. Even so, I know it isn't something I can just keep to myself.

[... At least, not now that Miss.Christine spilled the beans.]

[depressured]

[ She doesn't think she's ever... no, she's definitely never attributed this kind of misery to Tsukasa before.

Mafuyu stays quiet for a moment. Then... ]

Do you want me to go first, then?

[ She doesn't know if it will make it easier or not. But she thinks...

... As his friend, she does want to ease what she can. ]

[aspirings]

[...

It feels a little cowardly to make Mafuyu go first. But she's offering, and he doesn't think she would if she absolutely did not want to.

So quietly, he nods.]

Please. I'm listening.

[depressured]

[ She doesn't want to, but it's not something that's going to make her wish to erase herself from existence--

But her gaze slips away, to stare in front of her. Not at the cat. At nothing, really. ]

I said Lucian had protected me. It was in a place with a mirror, with a reflection that looked like me but spoke about things that I... sometimes think. That I don't want to talk about. That this place has said about me. And some of the statues in there took shapes of people. You. My mother.

My reflection said she was scared... of being alone. Of not being accepted when everyone did discover what I was really like. How like this, I was just hurting the people around me because I wasn't saying the right things anymore.

[aspirings]

[... Oh.

He's quiet for a long moment, brow furrowed as he thinks that over.]

You know that isn't how we feel, right? I'm confident I can speak not only for myself, but for everyone.

[depressured]

I said... you were all very stubborn, so that wasn't likely to happen. But I think... it scared me. Deeper down.

[ It had. She'd shoved it back then, because she was trying to find the others. But when she'd had the time to think about it... ]

My mom... rejected what I wanted to do. Who I thought I was starting to become. And if my mom, who knew me my whole life, didn't want me to be anyone else, why should anyone else think differently? How do I believe that it will be fine?

When I saw her again, on the stage, it felt like I couldn't breathe. If it hadn't been for you...

[ She wouldn't have been able to shake off that terror, long enough to act. ]

[aspirings]

[In that moment, he'd just reacted. Just wanted to protect Mafuyu--just wanted to help everyone there get through things.

He's supposed to be reliable, after all. Nothing he had done up until then had felt reliable at all.]

But you don't have to think about what would have happened if not for me. I was there, after all. And you were incredibly brave the moment you had the opportunity.

... And I like the Mafuyu I've gotten to know here. I like her very much.

[depressured]

[ ...... ]

I don't think I've done all that much to deserve that.

[ Being liked "very much." ]

If anything, I feel like I've just been a mess here.

[aspirings]

We wouldn't have made it through there without you, Mafuyu.

And... I think you were the one who got through to Lucian in that place.

[It was so important that she was there.]

Don't undermine your accomplishments.

[depressured]

... I'm sorry. [ Habit. ]

Lucian reminded me... of myself. Of someone who felt controlled. Just to a greater extent. So when I couldn't stop him from getting taken away, I couldn't help but think if it had been one of you, you would have been able to get through to him. The way you're so confident and determined...

[ Mafuyu takes a breath, shaking her head. ]

We were able to help him, in the end. I'm glad for that.

[aspirings]

[... Oh.

He's quiet for a long moment.

Any other time, he would have quite confidently agreed, at least internally. Yes, of course he'd have been able to help Lucian. Of course--

... But this time, his gaze drops to the ribbon in his hand.]

... I--wouldn't have been able to.

I'm confident that you were exactly the person he needed to hear from at that time.

[depressured]

You--

[ Now there's surprise, felt more than expressed. But that's also how Mafuyu is. ]

You don't think you would have?

[aspirings]

[His fingers tighten on the end of that ribbon, clenching into a fist briefly.

...]

When I was... on my own, reliving Lucian's memories... I couldn't do anything.

[depressured]

You weren't yourself, right? Not exactly. To relive his memories, it means there were choices he made that couldn't be done differently.

[ She's not sure how intense it was. What happened. But she doubts Tsukasa as himself had much say in it. ]

[aspirings]

[... Was he not himself?

He can't... recall. He looks troubled, brows furrowed.]

I felt like I was myself. I--

[The perfectionism. The fear of failure. The desperation to earn that lead role. Was that not him? Would he have broken under the same circumstances?

Perhaps it was inevitable for him, too.

(... the thought is so jarring. It's so unlike him that he recoils from it.)]

... I can't say. I'm not sure.

[depressured]

... Is that what's bothering you?

[ Carefully. ]

That it was hard to separate yourself from the memory?

[aspirings]

[... It's part of it, isn't it?

He drags a slow breath in, and then remembers to twitch the ribbon for the cat watching them.

It leaps, wrestling with the ribbon.]

I still feel... like it's been years. I still feel like all of the decisions I--he made...? Were mine.

[depressured]

... Can I ask what those decisions were?

[ The temporal disruption must be weighing on him, then. To have lived through years in a memory, when it had only technically been a few hours, possibly.

And he likely hasn't rested yet, either. ]

[aspirings]

[...

He slowly drags a knee up to his chest.]

Mafuyu...

What... do you know about what happened to Lucian?

[depressured]

[ Oh. He's making himself smaller.

... What a strange thing to witness, when it comes to Tsukasa. ]

Not... much. I know he's killed before. And I saw crystals, in his neck... he was trying to hide it. He told me he couldn't really sing anymore, though it took some time to learn why.

[ Given he shattered stone with his voice. ]

When he used his voice as an attack, it seemed like it drained him.

[aspirings]

[...

Crystals in his neck.

Tsukasa drags a shaky breath in. He can still feel--the moment when he reached for that shard and brought it up to his neck.]

He... was desperate. [Easier to distance it. "He" did it, not Tsukasa, even though Tsukasa also--]

Desperate to properly play the lead role he'd been given. Desperate to portray all of those emotions on stage with the depth and intensity that it called for. So desperate he was ready to do nearly anything.

[depressured]

What... happened, exactly?

[ She doesn't want to cause him more stress, having to talk about it, but.

Mafuyu doesn't know about rock cancer. Sadly. Never came up.

Slowly, though, as though trying to recall what helps her when she's feeling like withdrawing into herself both physically and emotionally, she leans, uninjured shoulder nudged against his. ]

[aspirings]

[... Oh. Her shoulder against his is... warm. Mafuyu is reaching out to him, despite everything she's been through.

Really, she's still such a kind person, isn't she?

Tsukasa drags a slow breath in.]

He needed... to be able to channel despair better on stage. Not just better. The best.

... Those rocks you saw in his throat. It's from something called Oripathy. An infection, one that spreads. A terminal disease. He knew that to be an Infected person was to really feel that--that ultimate despair.

So he-- [I--] --took a shard of that Originium and--

[Tsukasa doesn't elaborate further. Can't really find the words. But his hand comes up to his throat.]

[depressured]

[ Her breath catches, just slightly. He doesn't even need to illustrate it for her to understand. The crystals. His neck. A terminal disease.

He'd taken a shard of that and inflicted himself with a terminal disease to represent that ultimate despair? To want to present a show, an emotion so badly, that he'd shorten his own life and take away the beauty of his singing voice? To love to sing, but to then have it so that his songs caused destruction...

That too was probably despair.

Her heart hurts all over again, and it bleeds out of her, unintentionally. For Lucian. For Tsukasa, who'd had to live it and was now questioning it. ]

You wouldn't have done that.

[ But now she knows for sure. ]

[aspirings]

[... Oh. She... she sounds so sure.

Tsukasa blinks, lifting his head to meet her eyes, his own wide in his face.]

I--how can you be so sure? I... of course, I want to say I'd never, but--

[He did. Pushed to the limits, desperate to please, with nothing left but his acting, he'd lifted that shard to this throat.]